Raising Little People?
I’ve been thinking a lot about having children lately. To which I say: WHYYYYYYY???????????
No apologies for the gratuitous ‘y’s and question marks, because REALLY. I have never wanted kids. My default explanation for this ever since I was a kid myself was, “I’m too selfish to raise another person”. Interesting… seeing as I’m actually pretty damn selfless. I think I’m selfish a lot, but when I take a moment to fucking breathe and reflect I realize I only act selfish after I’ve completely pushed myself to my limit bending over backwards for others.
I am stubborn and opinionated, but I rarely assert myself. I will almost always acquiesce to the other in order to prevent conflict or not cause a scene. I have definite morals and views which I stand by but I often go out of my way to see someone else’s point of view and understand where they are coming from. (which I’ve found people rarely do for me, another reason I keep my thoughts to myself)
So that doesn’t sound like a selfish person. I love doing things for people. I love getting people gifts, baking cookies for others, going out of my way to spend time with people and find a way to fit into THEIR busy schedule (no one ever seems to ask how they can fit into MINE which is, most certainly, quite busy thank you). Now perhaps the fact I’m complaining about that is selfish. But if anyone else did, I would think they were completely justified.
And you know what? I think my mom has a lot of these qualities. And I DO NOT want to be like my mom. Not that she was a bad mother, but I know I would want to do things differently. I know that in order to do things differently, I have to be more rooted in myself, and not be afraid to stand up for what I believe in and not worry if it’s going offend or confuse or annoy anyone else. I give that allowance to everyone I know, so why do I think I am now allowed the same thing? I would want to teach my child to believe in herself and to formulate her own opinions and not be afraid of conflict. How do children learn? BY EXAMPLE. (conscious or unconscious) I should know.
I still don’t know why I’m so interested in raising children now. I mean, I guess it’s a future goal in which to channel my energy of once and for all working on myself in the present. Also friends of mine are having children now, I’m 25… I’m growing up (omgwtf?)…. and I’ve always been interested in teaching/sharing ideas with people… and It’d be exciting to be there to watch a little person come into their own, and find out who that person is. I don’t think this will come to fruition for another eight to ten years… which is more than fine. But just having the idea is a nice change…. it’s nice to know I’ve grown enough to not feel “too selfish” to care for and raise another human being.