Writing… and the shifting self.
I haven’t felt like I have anything of importance to say about anything lately. Who am I to put my opinion out there? Do I even have an opinion? Who cares what I think or what I have to say anyway?
What I have been thinking a lot about is my increasing awareness that I am trapped within myself. My self is trapped within myself. I can chirp all day long (or, years and years) about “self-love” “health at every size” “the ego and the essential self” I can quote everyone from Erik Fromm to Martha Beck, from Jung to Sartre, but none of it is really changing ME in MY life. Why? Because I can’t let go. And I don’t really know why…. why can’t I just say, dude no! I don’t want to take handfuls of diet pills until my heart feels like it’s going to explode, I don’t want to constantly count calories, I don’t want to binge on crappy fast food and purge just because “I can”, I don’t want to purge anything just because “I can”, I don’t want every time I consider putting something in my mouth to be a MORAL DECISION.
But I do, and there is a part of me that doesn’t want to let that go. Why would I want to keep traumatizing my body and mind this way? I like it? That’s what I apparently keep telling myself. If I could let this go… it would free up so much mental energy to focus on actual important things. I could actually produce output, instead of constantly reeling forcefully back and forth on this hamster wheel.
But I think the whole charade is ending…