Home > Uncategorized > Writing… and the shifting self.

Writing… and the shifting self.

I haven’t felt like I have anything of importance to say about anything lately. Who am I to put my opinion out there? Do I even have an opinion? Who cares what I think or what I have to say anyway?

What I have been thinking a lot about is my increasing awareness that I am trapped within myself. My self is trapped within myself. I can chirp all day long (or, years and years) about “self-love” “health at every size” “the ego and the essential self” I can quote everyone from Erik Fromm to Martha Beck, from Jung to Sartre, but none of it is really changing ME in MY life. Why? Because I can’t let go. And I don’t really know why…. why can’t I just say, dude no! I don’t want to take handfuls of diet pills until my heart feels like it’s going to explode, I don’t want to constantly count calories, I don’t want to binge on crappy fast food and purge just because “I can”, I don’t want to purge anything just because “I can”, I don’t want every time I consider putting something in my mouth to be a MORAL DECISION.

But I do, and there is a part of me that doesn’t want to let that go. Why would I want to keep traumatizing my body and mind this way? I like it? That’s what I apparently keep telling myself. If I could let this go… it would free up so much mental energy to focus on actual important things. I could actually produce output, instead of constantly reeling forcefully back and forth on this hamster wheel.

But I think the whole charade is ending…

  1. May 22, 2009 at 9:14 pm

    I think we’ve all had those moments of asking “Why can’t I just let this go?” There are a multitude of reasons each of us has for holding onto our eating disorders. I think it boils down to a lot of things revolving around change, fear, and anxiety. Maybe there is a way for you to combat each element of whatever reason why you hold onto the ED and make a small change towards changing it.

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