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Chameleon

When it comes to eating with people, I’m a chameleon. I’m trying to remember if I always have been, or if it’s directly related to continuous attempts at ED-recovery. Yeah, it is. As a kid I was a picky eater, and didn’t give a shit if I was pissing people off because I didn’t want to eat what they were eating, or I didn’t want to try something exotic, or I wanted something that wasn’t being served.

Now, when I’m with people and we are supposed to eat, I’ll pretty much eat anything. I’ve developed the sense that it’s safe for me to eat anything as long as the other person is okay with it, and appears to have a healthy relationship with food. Though, this also applies if the person doesn’t have a healthy relationship with food. If the other person wants to skip a meal, I’ll skip a meal. Which is where this co-dependency falls short.

I ate actual sushi the other week. As in raw fish… sitting on rice, not even in a roll. WTF?! I have never eaten fish in my life, it grosses me out completely. But I think I’ve gotten tired of being a pain in the ass, so I use it as an excuse to be daring. And it was fine. It wasn’t gross, it actually didn’t taste like anything. (I think I had salmon, tuna, and white tuna)

I know this is unbalanced though. It’s good to try new things and be spontaneous, but I also need to figure out what I actually like and dislike, what I actually choose to eat and not eat. I was vegan for a while, and a total asshat about it, too. But I was vegan for animal rights reasons (and it just so happened to correlate with restriction). Now, if people eat meat, I’ll eat meat. I’ve confused myself, I don’t know how I can go from one extreme to another like that. I think I became so overwhelmed, I didn’t know how to relate to food in a normal way, I just said “omg fuck it” and be completely co-dependent on the other person’s choices.

This poses a problem though, when I’m left to my own devices to feed myself. Sometimes I’ll just forget until I’m suddenly ravenously hungry… but if I don’t think it’s an “appropriate” time to eat, I’ll wait another five hours or whatever until it is an appropriate time. Or some days, I’ll want to eat but just can’t make a decision. I’ll walk around, I’ll actually go in stores and restaurants, but I can’t bring myself to purchase anything because there isn’t anything I feel I can possibly ingest. (Also, it’s better to not eat than to eat and throw it up.) Not really sure how to fix that issue.

I’m also trying to learn that it’s okay to be autonomous with my food. I’m allowed to eat if I’m hungry, even if no one else around me is eating. I’ll go on little experiments. Like I got a 7-grain bagel and a coffee coolata from Dunkin’ Donuts a few weeks ago and ate/drank them on the train on the way to work. I was anxious as hell the entire time because A) a coffee coolata is like… a bucket of sugar. I was sure everyone was judging me for that. B) a bagel is better than a donut, but a banana would have been “better”. C) there was a couple sitting directly next to me and having strangers that close to me when I’m eating is just painful. Oh, and D) is that totally disgusting to eat on the subway? I’m not generally a germophobe but… food and subway = kind of gross.

That was a shitty blog. I definitely have more interesting things to talk about, such as :

  1. Derek Sivers is awesome. http://www.sivers.org/blog
  2. Canadian prostitutes get training for when International press comes to town for the Olympics. aka, sex workers not being exploited by the media. WIN.
  3. Amanda Palmer is awesome. Specifically this quote: “I wanted to turn the table over and say, ‘I am a light motherfucker!'”
  4. twitter addiction and how in love with it I am for PR purposes
  5. my secret love affair with “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey
  6. the book I’m currently reading: In The Absence of the Sacred: The Failure of Technology & The Survival of the Indian Nations by Jerry Mander. Here’s a teaser…

Modern technology advanced in such tiny increments for so long that we never realized how much our world was being altered, or the ultimate direction of the process. But now the speed of change is accelerating logarithmically. It is apparent that developing a language and set of standards by which to assess technological impact, and to block it where necessary, is a critical survival skill of our times.

Holler.

So anyway…. the internet is down for some unknown shitty ass reason at my apartment so I’m trying to do shit at the office before I go home and have to spend half the weekend OFF LINE. OMGWTF. That’s basically severing my lifeline, I’m not happy about this. I might actually have to call people on the phone. What the hell?! At least I have Monday off, that’s fancy. I plan on blissing out in the woods and being Pochahontas. I also have three motherfucking essays to write because I’m an idiot and procrastinate on everything important. The end.

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