The topic of suicide and depression has been coming up in various places lately so I felt compelled to write a bit about my thoughts.
I would love to write something objective that brilliantly combines theories from science, psychology, spirituality and self-help but that will take a while (because I want to do it right!) so for now I’ll just write a short subjective piece.
A year ago I spent most of my time isolating, restricting, bingeing, purging, cutting, and if I just couldn’t hold it back anymore, crying.
I figured though, that if I could still participate in life and didn’t completely let people down that meant I didn’t really deserve to get better. If I could survive like that, I might as well, because that’s what I deserved. Right?
Well I was drowning (metaphorically) and I did seek help. I knew it was necessary when I went for a walk along the Hudson and spent most of the time leaning against the wall wishing I had the guts to jump in and let myself drown (literally).
Little by little I fought to find myself again, allow myself to actually feel emotions and utilize healthier coping mechanisms.
Now I laugh, all the time. I love the details of life. I take more risks and I try not to be so hard on myself when I make mistakes. I breathe. I remember that it’s okay to have opinions, even if they aren’t the same as the majority. I’m learning that I have likes and dislikes, and that it’s okay for me to have them even if they aren’t the same as the majority. I give myself a break, I try to remember that nobody is perfect and nobody expects me to be so I do not have to expect that from myself.
So I guess what this is, is a reminder to anyone suffering.
Just stay alive, and life will change. Even if you do absolutely nothing, life changes. But if you do, even if you take miniscule little baby steps every day such as choosing to get out of bed, going outside for a minute and breathing fresh air, taking a shower, saying out loud “I’M SAD!” anything. Anything, and I promise your life will change.
So just don’t stop living, because every single person has a purpose and deserves to be here.