A Decade In Review

I haven’t blogged here since October, my apologies! Since then, I’ve done a lot and I feel like I’ve grown quite a bit… not only these past few months but throughout 2009. I am so excited for 2010. I haven’t been this happy and balanced at the start of a new year in a long time!

I wanted to review the decade and speak briefly to who I was 10 years ago, and who I am today.

10 Years ago: I was a sophomore in high school. My grandfather recently passed away and that was really devastating for me. Papa was my relative I felt the most connected to ever since I was very very small. I still have memories of playing a game with him in the library at my grandparent’s house in Oberlin where he would make up a story about an ant crawling over me and I squealed and laughed every time. I must have been around 2 years old.

I was very involved in our church (United Church of Christ), and really loved it there but as depression due to my grandfather’s death set in so did cynicism and discontent with Christianity (as liberal an atmosphere as it was).

This was also the year I started being hyper-self-conscious. I was friends with “the popular girls” in my art class and was intensely aware that I wasn’t as good as them because they were stick figures and I was not. (Of course I was as good as them, but that’s how I felt, which is quite sad since they really liked me for me) I started highlighting my hair, wearing make-up & the fashionable clothes, and got contacts.

I believe I also stopped horseback riding that year at the stable I had ridden since I started at age eight because I had outgrown them and wasn’t learning anything new.

I was also excelling at my instrument of choice, the flute and very competitive.

9 Years ago: I started “acting out” more, but in the world of Jill that meant not trying very hard in school and not being as involved in the church youth group. REBEL! I think I still had it in mind that I was going to grow up and work with horses professionally at this point.

I started working at the public library and became close friends with two girls a year older than me and throughout that year became more involved in their whole group of friends, so when summer came and they were all going off to college that was pretty rough.

8 Years ago: As soon as my senior picture for the yearbook was taken I dyed my hair dark brown to the complete and utter dismay of my mother. Thus began my goth phase. I wore all black probably 99% of the time and by the end of the year my hair was jet black. I would say this is where I crossed over from moody teenager to clinically depressed. I failed out of physics lol. Which is ridiculous because I actually think physics is awesome. The amount of effort I put into a class was pretty much completely based on how I felt about the teacher. The bulimia and cutting started and I burned out on flute… I could pretty much care less at this point… except I really wanted to go to college.

7 Years ago: I went to Earlham. The first semester, I loved it, I was so excited for my life there despite losing 50lbs and still self-injuring. Second semester I started to get depressed again and unsure of myself and my place in the world. I was leasing an amazing horse, Eric, at the time… he was my saving grace. I also made a multitude of amazing friends, some of which are still in my life and will be forever. And I was introduced to the music of Rachael Sage which little did I know would have a huge impact on my life later on!

6 Years ago: I cut all my hair off and dyed it platinum blond and wore it in a mohawk. I got my lip pierced. I felt under scrutiny for my eating disorder so it switched and I started binge eating which is easy to do in college cafeterias. I gained the weight back and then some. I ended up dropping out over Thanksgiving break because I felt like such a failure and I didn’t deserve to be there and didn’t know what I wanted to do or be or who I was. When I moved home I became closer with T. who became my best friend for several years. Oh and I took improv acting classes! That was awesome and random.

5 Years ago: I was living at home, waitressing, and started leasing an arabian named Royal. That was one of the best decisions I ever made. I also rekindled my love of theater, especially musical theater, and started voice lessons and auditioning for community theater. T. and I spent a lot of time together, went on trips together including to NYC where we both fell in love with it.

4 Years ago: I did a few shows and really enjoyed the confidence those experiences gave me. I also got a new job working at a dog grooming salon which I adored. Later I spontaneously decided to take a job working on a private horse farm – work for room and board. So I moved and got to live with horses in my backyard for 8 months. I also started piano lessons, was still singing, and wrote a play which I took to a few places and had it read by a professional group of actors.

3 Years ago: I decided I wanted to move to NYC and be an actor/singer/writer. So I moved to NYC. Because I’ve been blessed with amazing friends in my life, this was full of great experiences. I got a job the 2nd day here at the French Institute Alliance Francaise, and a month later another job where I am currently employed. I moved from my temporary abode in a friend’s studio in the East Village to Brooklyn.

2 Years ago: I quit working at FIAF and started full time at MPress. I taught myself a lot of skills including video editing which I love. I co-produced a benefit concert for Suicide Awareness & Prevention with my friend Kim and I also sang in it. A stray cat who lived in our yard had kittens and my roommate and I found them homes. I ended up adopting the cat… who tried to kill my roommates cat and it was a hot mess. But she chose me, and thus became Claudia.

1 Year ago: I produced another benefit concert for Eating Disorders Awareness which went really well. Ironically I was really struggling with bulimia at the time, it was the worse it’s ever been. I started seeing a therapist. I started going to OA meetings. I moved to my current apartment in a neighborhood I ADORE. My cat no longer has other cats to harass which is a very good thing. I went to some conferences so I got to travel and that was fun. I met some amazingly wonderful women at the NEDA conference. I started doing Fearless Living book groups which have been a definite plus.

This year went from incredibly painful and lonely to overwhelmingly bright and optimistic… so like I said, I am welcoming 2010 with open arms!

End Fat Talk Follow-Up: Project Lifesize & Meghan Tonjes

Friday was the end of the “Fat Talk Free Week” Campaign… but that doesn’t mean we should go back to using it! So I wanted to do a follow-up blog featuring the talented singer-songwriter and youtube sensation/social entrepreneur Meghan Tonjes.

I discovered Meghan’s music a year or so ago. Through her youtube channel I’ve been able to watch her release her first album, “Be In Want”, the call for submissions for fans to be a part of her first music video, and the posting of the completed video for her song “The End”, as well as her posts of many brilliant covers on her Request Tuesdays which most have over 1,000 views each including her cover of “Circus” by Britney Spears which has 33k+ views to date and “Not Fair” by Lily Allen which has 122k+ views to date! 

Not only has Meghan made a name for herself as a rising acoustic singer-songwriter on the internet, she has also created a collaborative youtube channel called Project Lifesize that has branched out into a whole social media network that acts as a support system and oasis for women and men to come together and practice self-love, as well as bring critical voices to the hypocrisies and double standards of society. Project Lifesize recently celebrated it’s one year anniversary and currently has over 2,000 subscribers on the youtube channel. 

I asked Meghan if I could interview her for this blog, and the Q&A is below. What I love the most out of what she said was that Project Lifesize isn’t necessarily about weight (size or fat) acceptance, but about self-love in general. It’s not just for plus-sized people, it’s not even just for women. It’s about authenticity and participating in life regardless any body image issues you may be struggling with, as well as giving a voice to those struggles to show that no one is alone. 

***Q & A with Meghan Tonjes***

7S: Why did you start Project Lifesize?

MT: I started Project Lifesize September 2008. It was a reaction to harassing comments and messages I was receiving on my Youtube videos, often centered around my weight and physical appearance. While I was rarely affected by these comments, I didn’t want my younger subscribers to see them. I knew many people avoided posting their own videos in fear of receiving the same hate. I initially put out a casting call, looking for 6 other women who could portray a more accurate and hopefully a more positive view of curvy women. The goal was always to create a dialogue,not about weight acceptance, but self love.

7S: Has Project Lifesize changed the way you view yourself and the world?

MT: Project Lifesize definitely opened a new world up to me. Until then I had never considered myself a part of a plus size community, mostly because there was no community around me. I was always the biggest girl and often felt alone because of it. The women and men who have been a part of the channel, on a regular basis or as Viewers of the Month, have really opened my eyes to different issues that we all are dealing with. It’s easier for me to tell my own story now, whether the stories are funny or sad, because I’ve interacted with the most supportive group of people. I’ve become more comfortable and confident with who I am inside and outside as I’ve seen all of the people who have dealt with the exact same issues. Beyond just men and women who struggle with weight, we’ve connected with people who have felt outcast in general.

7S: Do you find that women in your life fat talk, and if so, how do you react or respond?

MT: Weight seems to be something that women in my life are generally aware of. You know, I don’t think my parents were ever prepared for a plus size child and this led to some pretty hurtful moments in my childhood. Growing up, I’ve always been surrounded by women dieting and trying to be a certain size. I always avoided the topic when it came up.  It wasn’t until recently that I connected  and became friends with curvy, confident women. I remember going to New York several months ago, being on the Subway with two gorgeous, plus-size models. They didn’t care who was looking at them or what people were saying and it made a real impression on me. There was never a mention of losing weight to fit a certain mold, if anything they spoke of having curves as something to be proud of. 

7S: Do these topics come into play as a singer-songwriter and/or as a performer?

MT: Being in the entertainment industry, people automatically want to put you in a box. You are told that in order to be known or successful you have to fit a certain mold and it can be in some ways I think you have to work a bit harder to win people over. Looking the way I do, I feel sometimes that people expect me to be bad. They want me to be a joke. I always see it as a challenge though, and enjoy shocking people out of their own misconceptions.

7S: Who are your greatest musical influences?

MT: Ah! That is a crazy question to even begin to answer. I’m always inspired by strong, female singer-songwriters. Sarah Mclachlan. Tristan Prettyman. Tori Amos. Ani Difranco. But, there’s something about guys with guitars…*sigh*. Jason Mraz, Joshua Radin, Duncan Sheik.  Some of my biggest influences lately have been the indie musicians I’ve met through Youtube. I feel a kindship with them because it is a whole new medium. Chris Cendana. Frank Bell. Katelyn Autry. Allison Weiss. Mike Falzone.Greg Holden… The list just goes on and on.

7S: Who are your greatest role models in regard to size acceptance and health at every size?

MT: I grew up not really feeling like I HAD any one to look up to in regards to size acceptance. I didn’t even know acceptance was an option. I feel like I sort of had to become the person I wasn’t seeing represented. Every day I think we’re finding positive role models who happen to be musicians, artists and writers. I find Joy Nash to be a positive influence on size acceptance in the Youtube community and was really influenced by Wendy Shanker (writer of “The Fat Girls’ Guide to Life”). Every day though, I meet men and women who don’t fit the “norm” and prove themselves to be the most beautiful, giving and loving people. They are my role models.

7S: Any words of wisdom for girls out there who think they can’t pursue a career in a performance-related field because of their size or appearance? 

MT: Whoever said “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me” was a bold faced LIAR. You’re going to experience a lot of resistance, but if you’ve found something you love and you’re willing to fight for it…then the only person who can stop you IS you. For every person who hates you because you dare to look the way you do and try to be anything other than miserable, there are ten more who are inspired or moved by your passion. I know that the fear of what someone might say can be paralyzing, but talent and hardwork will lead you to people who “get it” and who genuinely want you to succeed. So, just do it already.

****

For more information about Meghan and her music please visit www.meghantonjes.com. You can also view her original music as well as her Request Tuesday cover songs at www.youtube.com/tonjesml and be sure to check out Project Lifesize at www.youtube.com/projectlifesize. Below is Meghan’s official music video for “The End”. 

Fat Talk Free Week!

Monday October 19th began Tri Delta’s week long campaign to end fat talk – Fat Talk Free Week.

Fat Talk Free Week is an international 5-Day body activism campaign to draw attention to body image issues and the damaging impact of the ‘thin ideal’ on women in society. It is about ‘body activism’ – the power to control the way we think and talk about our bodies to affect positive change and prevent eating disorders. The idea came about when Dr. Carolyn Becker, as associate professor of psychology at Trinity University, leveraged the unique organizational structure of sororities to disseminate a groundbreaking peer-led eating disorders awareness program.

The key message of the campaign is “Friends Don’t Let Friends Fat Talk”. I love this concept, because so often women fall into the pattern of sticking together in their words of self-loathing and dissatisfaction. It’s courageous to step outside of that and say, “hey, don’t say that! we’re beautiful just as we are!”

Related to that, is how “natural” it is in our culture to praise women for losing weight and to give compliments based on appearance. Most people don’t think twice before gushing over someone for losing weight, but we have no idea if that person lost the weight in a healthy or dangerous manner. We also don’t know how someone will react to compliments and to “new” attention. Why not compliment girls and women on their demeanor? Their personality? Their intelligence? Their insight?

It breaks my heart every time I hear from friends of mine in recovery from anorexia but who are still underweight say that they go clothes shopping and all saleswomen do is compliment their tiny bodies and speak with envy wishing out loud that they looked like that. How frustrating and infuriating! But the flip side is, those saleswomen probably feel frustrated and infuriated that their bodies don’t look like that and probably never will. What they don’t know if the extreme pain and suffering those women endured to reduce their body mass to that extent.

I grew up listening to my mother say, “I wish I could be anorexic.” So many people still don’t understand what these illnesses really mean. Fat Talk runs THAT DEEP so women WISH FOR A MENTAL ILLNESS in order to fit the thin ideal.

So hopefully one by one we can change the way we speak to ourselves, the way we speak to our friends and family, and the way we speak to strangers. We can change the way our society views the female body and the female spirit. Tri Delta’s campaign is a great start.

Here is their first video which has over 70,000 views since October 2008 on youtube:

And I recently found their newest video for this years campaign, I love it!

You can find more blogs that have written about Fat Talk Free Week at Beautiful You and Frozen Oranges. I’ll continue adding more as I find them. Feel free to leave a comment with a link to yours as well!

Thin Privilege.

Fact: Thin Privilege exists. Thin Privilege is a societal truth.*

That said, what does that mean? It means in our society people who fall under a certain body size and weight have privilege over those who do not fit into that category. Is this a cut and dry, black and white truth? Not at all. Is this saying that everyone who falls into the thin privilege category is mean or bad because of it? Certainly not. It is simply stating a sociological fact. Our culture praises, respects, and worships smaller bodies. Our culture also judges, disrespects, and condemns bodies that are larger and have “excess body fat”. That is prejudice and there is privilege. Please note: I am not saying that anyone who happens to have thin privilege, i.e. anyone in the normal BMI range, is prejudice or uses their privilege to their advantage. AND ANYONE WHO SAYS THAT IS PROJECTING THEIR OWN ISSUES AND ABUSING THE CORE STATEMENT.

These two words have been thrown around so much, and it has been driving me utterly crazy. When it broke out with this post a few months ago… I read it and felt validated. I thought, “Yes! Finally! My reality, my voice, is being heard! Now we will finally be understood and we can all work together to promote healthy and happy body image in the world!” Apparently I was wrong. People took it the wrong way. People were insulted and there was an enormous backlash. After I recovered from the shock of that, I do see their point of view. Nobody likes to be called out for something that applies to them that they never asked for.

Now I want to make an important distinction. Privilege exists in many forms. It is malleable, as are our cultural and personal views. One form of privilege may outweigh another in one situation, and be the opposite in another. My friend Jane Brazen explained this particularly well in her blog. “…just because I have thin privilege does not mean I automatically have other privileges. I do not have sane privilege. (I’ve decided to call it sane privilege because I’m still not sure that I like the language of ableism for mental health issues. It’s going to be all about crazy and sane privilege for me.) …This is what thin feminists should know about thin privilege. You can have it while simultaneously being un-privileged as a person with an eating disorder, thin because of that lack of sane privilege. Now, I’m not talking about how all women have body problems and most are always on a diet. I’m talking about people who actually have eating disorders. Who probably don’t even think they have thin privilege.”

Jane is a friend of mine from back home, though we originally met online through an ED community. Our stories are similar in many ways but one of the distinct differences is that she is naturally thin and I am naturally not. We both have struggled with EDNOS and body image issues. We both believe in sex worker activism, we both are intelligent and are drawn to academia, we are both female-bodied and bisexual, and we both come from working to middle class Midwestern families. Actually, statistically I probably had a slight privilege over her growing up economically. So… we’re both white so we both have that privilege, she has thin privilege and I do not**, neither of us has sane privilege (that always makes me laugh), I suppose we have intellectual privilege, we do not have male privilege, we do not technically have heterosexual privilege***, and I had (growing up, she probably has it now!) economic privilege.

One isn’t better than the other, one didn’t have an easier time in life than the other, it just is what it is.

I hope this clears some things up for those in the ED sphere who were insulted by the term. It isn’t an attack, and it isn’t saying there aren’t injustices to anyone who is thin. Of course women of all sizes are scrutinized and objectified by our culture. That is a serious problem and I am so glad to know so many people who are combating it. What Thin Privilege is referring to though, are the little things that often go unnoticed (except by those who are excluded, hence, privilege). There are great blogs out there who speak to this more such as here and yes, even the one that got everyone riled up. Here are just a few examples:

1. Doctors don’t chalk up every symptom you have to your size and present weight loss as a panacea.

2. You can eat in public without people judging your food choices. Likewise you can be pretty assured that no one behind you at the grocery store is looking at what you buy to “see what makes you so fat.”

3. You can be assured of seeing people your size in popular media (tv, magazines, etc.) If you are an actor you can usually be up for meaningful lead roles rather than the “comical sidekick” or be otherwise unrestricted in terms of what parts you’re allowed to play.

4. You can shop in most stores and find clothes in your size.

5. When a person flirts with you you don’t have to worry that they’re doing it to have “good politics” and can genuinely assume it’s because they find you attractive. Also, you do not have to deal with people who fetishize you because of your size.

6. Your size communicates very little to most people and is value neutral. That is, most people don’t assume anything about your values, morals, etc. because of your size.

So in closing, I wanted to address Mama V (aka Heather)’s post and video entitled, “Thin Privilege, Spare Me.”

—

I’m sorry Heather but I’m not going to spare you. It’s really unfortunate that you’ve let emotions override the simplicity of all these misunderstandings. I haven’t read all the comments you got, I’m sure a lot of them were ridiculous and hurtful and fueled by hurt feelings. It’s easy to get riled up on the internet. But as someone in the forefront of ED awareness and positive body image advocacy and promoting yourself and a positive role model for girls… I would hope you could see beyond all that and not be defensive and reactive. I actually agree with a lot of the points you made in your post.

Yes, everyone should stand up for themselves… though sometimes a person is just too hurt to be able to and that’s what our communities are for… support.

Of course, there is certainly no case in which one person is thought of as a loser by the entire world. And for those who feel that way (fat OR thin)… again we should support them until they find the love within themselves to see the truth.

And yes, we should not take life for granted.

I disagree with you on the points that thin privilege is not necessary to “make ones case”. Um… it is. Facts seen above.

While teaching the concept of thin privilege could be detrimental if it was railed home with hateful and envious statements against thin people… that is quite the exception. I believe children should be aware of ALL privilege… taught in a balanced manner it will produce more well-rounded adults.

And I would definitely disagree that compassion towards anorexics is non-existent. Many people see anorexia and obesity as the extreme ends of one spectrum. That spectrum of using disordered eating habits as a maladaptive mechanism to cope with emotions, stress, and self-destructive feelings. And only someone who is incredibly ignorant (fat OR thin) would harass someone suffering from anorexia about their thin privilege. That would be absurd and cruel.

As for your video…. I would really love it if you took some time to consider the concept of “sane privilege” (my friend made that term up, I don’t know how accepted it is in general, but I do know she just received her masters in sociology so she knows what she’s talking about). I relate to a lot of Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters but as I said, I’m not naturally thin. There is a spectrum, you can’t look at this as a black and white “you against me” situation. I know many in the FA community probably have been attacking you in that manner, but you don’t have to buy it. It’s really not helping your cause by buying it. I love the work you do on your blog, and I bet you are a really great mom and your daughter is lucky to have you as an influence in her life. So please don’t feel like you should be “the one you all love to hate.” I really DON’T think that helps the discussion.

—

*The society I am referencing is the generalized mainstream propagated Westernized civilization. This “truth” is enhanced by Western popular culture.

**My BMI is overweight and I wear a size 14/XL. I also have no idea what I look like and think I’m a lot larger than I probably really am. I know that I am on the lower side technically of “Fat” (sooo subjective), but I can assure you that my life experiences prove that I do not have thin privilege. Though, there have been periods where I have been smaller (but never what I’d consider thin –lack of sane privilege acknowledgment here–) and I recognized changes in how I was perceived by society as a whole and by people in my day to day life. I probably straddle the elusive line… there are probably some thin privileges I get away with, but there are definitely others I do not and I feel the stigmatization.

***I say technically, because we both appear femme. Therefore to the outside world, we fit the heterosexual female mold. Though whenever she is out with her girlfriend her hetero-typical appearance would be void.

Disordered Eating vs. Eating Disorders

Well this is an epic topic. I will try to succinctly relay my thoughts, and will probably continue to come back and discuss this topic in the future.

(By the way, I’m going to try to start blogging more on actual topics. You can hold me to that, but don’t hold your breath… just in case. No liabilities please.)

Now before I go all semantic-obsessed on you, I wanted to say that this past weekend I was in Minneapolis, MN for the NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association) Conference. IT WAS AMAZING. I had such a great time and met so many wonderful people. I will be writing an overview of it, probably this weekend. But in the mean time, check it:

Me, Kendra Sebelius (www.facebook.com/AVoiceinRecovery), Shannon Cutts (www.key-to-life.com), Brie Widaman (www.facebook.com/RevolutionOfRealWomen), Rachael Stern (twistedbarbiesrevolution.blogspot.com), and Julie Neumann (julieneumann.com)

Alright. Disordered Eating vs. Eating Disorders. Specifically Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. There is a distinct difference between disordered eating and EDNOS. Disordered eating is the way of life that I consider to have consumed (no pun intended) western society. Disordered eating is chronic dieting. Disordered eating is listening to outside sources for what is “right” and “wrong” to eat and not your body. Disordered eating is judging food, body size, body weight, and eating habits with a heavy dose of morality.

Is it important to shed light on disordered eating, bring it out into the open and say, “hey something isn’t right here!”? Definitely. This goes hand in hand with all the ad busting and self-esteem-raising work people are doing. All very important for creating a healthier society overall.

But is it more important to research and do studies on disordered eating rather than EDNOS? No. That’s just my opinion, but it’s a strong opinion. EDNOS, while vague since it is truly a mash-up of the three other clearly defined eating disorders, is still an eating disorder. It is a mental illness. I have had an eating disorder for 10 years. If I had sought help in any of those years up until this past year when I finally did, I most likely would have been diagnosed with EDNOS. I restricted, I binged, I used (and abused) diet pills, I exercised compulsively, I water fasted for several days at a time, I was afraid of food, and I obsessed over food, I had body image distortion, and I believed I was morbidly obese and therefore unlovable. Was I underweight? No, I was never even “thin”. So while I was fasting, restricting, afraid of foods, had incredibly weird eating rituals, and there were times (coincided with manic episodes) of compulsive exercise I would never have qualified as anorexic. I wouldn’t have qualified as bulimic either because I was always afraid of purging since I’ve had experiences of throwing up (due to a stomach virus) and food/liquid/acid has come out my nose. I’m sure that’s not uncommon, but as a kid I really didn’t want to experience that more often than I had to. What I didn’t know at the time was there are other symptoms that would qualify one as bulimic, so who knows maybe I would have… but I doubt I was consistent enough.

If I had sought help, I would not have gotten it. Okay I can’t say that for certain, but it would have been incredibly hard to get the care that I needed. Insurance companies don’t cover EDNOS. And really, it’s only very recently that the psych community has really embraced this…. obviously the criteria in the DSM-IV are there for a reason. It was believed that for one to be suffering from an eating disorder those were the signs. Now of course, it is widely accepted that one suffers long before they reach the point of emaciation, amenorrhea, or bingeing and purging multiple times a day. Sub-clinical, yes. Still serious enough for potential death? Yes. I didn’t seek help because I didn’t think I deserved it. I wanted so badly to be anorexic… but that’s a whole other story.

Now, Brie (of Revolution of Real Women!)  brought up the point that it’s important to raise awareness of disordered eating because it leads to eating disorders. While a point to be taken seriously, it blurs the lines between correlation and causation. Disordered eating habits and chronic dieting do not cause or always lead into eating disorders. If they do, that person has a genetic predisposition to develop this particular mental illness. Therefore, even in a society with less focus on dieting, weighing, and small clothing sizes, people are still going to have eating disorders.

There is so much that we (as a community) still don’t know and are working to figure out about the science behind mental illness as well as the effects media and society have on those predisposed to eating disorders, that the argument is somewhat futile. I think the ultimate goal here is to raise awareness in a broad sense about our societies insane hypocrisies, raise awareness about eating disorders INCLUDING EDNOS in the medical community, and continue to have dialogue about these topics. Actually, the ULTIMATE goal is for everybody to love their body (mind and soul).

Words Can Break You

Even as a kid I knew there was something seriously flawed with the mantra, “sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.” While it’s a nice ideal, it’s rarely the truth. And adults rarely know the tools to teach kids how to reach that point where words can never hurt them… probably because they’ve never reached that point themselves.

There are many stories that I could use as reference points here, but yesterday I found this article, and it just broke my heart. “Woman Goes Under Knife to Win Simon’s ‘X-Factor’ Love”. 

A few years ago an 18 year old girl auditioned for American Idol. A natural singer, Simon Cowell told her, “I just wish I could put your voice in another body.” 

Yup. You read that. I JUST WISH I COULD PUT YOUR VOICE IN ANOTHER BODY.

As someone who has been in a similar situation, I can tell you from experience THIS DOES NOT FEEL GOOD. Obviously. I have spent practically my entire life believing that my voice did not match my body, that I shouldn’t sing because I wasn’t attractive enough, that I wasn’t allowed to perform because I wasn’t thin or pretty enough. I can only imagine what this poor girl went through after that.

What did she go through? Well, tons of plastic surgery, obsessive exercise, and most likely she suffered from body dysmorphic disorder. She had the opportunity to confront Cowell, and she told him that his comments nearly wrecked her life. She said he “seemed really shocked” and admitted “that’s not a nice thing I said”. 

Here is Katrina Lee, before (age 18, 5 years ago) and after (age 23, today):

This story not only upsets me for what it is, but how the media is reporting it. In the article I linked to above, they’re simultaneously pitying her and ostracizing her.  They have a poll, “what best describes Lee’s actions: ambitious or nuts?” 

Mental illness is still a joke. People would argue that she had a choice, she didn’t have to drastically change her appearance with plastic surgery just because someone told her she wasn’t pretty. Therefore she’s crazy, because “crazy” is apparently a choice. What people don’t get is the correlation. Nobody makes fun of someone for getting skin cancer. A woman with fair skin exposes herself to the sun for years, even helping her skin absorb the rays with tanning oil, and yet when she gets cancer she is pitied and supported. She is not considered a freak show. (This goes hand in hand with a post I’m working on about victim-blaming.)

It’s also unfortunate this girl is still searching for mainstream approval. Where are her parents, friends, peers, doctors? I’m not saying she should give up her dream of being a singer and performer, but continuing to audition for mega-reality shows in order to have her dream justified and supported? That just doesn’t seem healthy.

Regardless, I wish her the best. I hope she learns to love herself no matter what she looks like, and continues to use her passion and talent even if she doesn’t “make it” on reality TV.

Cyclothymia and Songwriting

I am falling asleep, but I just read this article from Therapy Central called “Color Me Cyclothymic” and holy wow it describes me.

Good to know. I’ll have to look into that more when I can keep my eyelids open.

This week is super mad busy for me and I’m kind of in denial. Last night was Rachael’s show, today I worked forever and came home and did what I alway do: fuck around and not get anything done whatsover. Though… walking over to Penn Station to catch the train I randomly starting writing a really fantastic (if I do say so myself) song in my head. So on the train I wrote it down and all the ideas to go along with it. Then I remembered the chorus to a song I started writing almost 3 years ago now (WHAT THE HELL? I can’t believe I’ve lived in NYC for almost 2 years holy monkeys!) and wrote that down too with an idea for the verses.

Where did this sudden musical creativity come from? Well I’m surrounded constantly by musicians, and I always tell myself I am not one. Because who am I to compete. Who am I to try to get attention? Umm… well fuck that, I’m me and I deserve recognition too. I’m really creative, and I’m pretty talented… so my goal is to start writing and experimenting for six months. Then hopefully I’ll have a solid set of songs and find some musicians to work on arrangements with (maybe I can snag my cellist roommate. That would be convenient. Especially since I am in love with the cello. I also really want to play with a tuba. Just throwing that out there.) Uhh.. yeah so perhaps next summer I’ll actually perform. Who knows. I have to write and rehearse songs first. Remind my hands how to play the piano since it’s been ALMOST THREE YEARS. I can’t get over that. WTF.

What the hell have I been doing these past two years? I moved here to be creative. Well, I’ve been trying to make money and survive. Plus there is so much going on in this city it’s easy to get sucked into constantly trying to see and do things and spend time with people and socialize while no matter what I always felt like I wasn’t doing enough.

Then there was the whole black hole of depression and bulimia that ate I would say accumulatively an entire year of my life if you add up all the bad days/weeks/months. Good times.

The title of this blog post is totally misleading. My apologies.

Perspectives Change After Death

Most of the general public did not care about Michael Jackson’s physical or emotional health a week ago. Perhaps they cared about their money they shelled out for a ticket to his forthcoming concert series which there was no guarantee he’d perform. Perhaps they cared about his ability to be a capable parent and his interactions with his children and friends of his children. For the most part though, they didn’t care about him at all, except as a pop icon of decades past.

But now that he has died everyone cares. They say they are about him, for his family, for the tragedy that he died at the age of 50, for his life in isolation, for his past full of trauma. They care about finding out the “truth!” about what really caused his death and how the situation was handled.

I think there is a perversion in that. It’s really no ones business. It’s also incredibly odd to me that one day people can so easily ridicule him, speculate about him, but enjoy listening to his music… and then the next, after he’s dead, be upset and “in mourning” over a great beloved icon. Perhaps that’s harsh of me to say, because I understand the complexity of emotional process behind it… it still bugs me though. 

I was never really a fan of Michael Jackson. I liked a few of his songs. I knew a few vague points about his past and who he was and how he lived but I didn’t pay close attention. I never followed the story close enough to have an opinion on whether or not he was a pedophile but my intuitive leaning was, and is, no he wasn’t. Did he have a very bizarre unconventional way of interacting with children? Yes. That doesn’t mean he molested them. But again, I don’t know details that were reported, and even if I did, that wouldn’t give me any more authority to throw my opinion out there.

From what I did observe through the filter of pop culture, I knew he had been terribly abused physically, verbally, and emotionally as a child by his father. In my mind, that made completely sense in direct connection to his intensely damaged persona of the latter years which I believe (again, intuitively) that he suffered from Body Dysmorphic Disorder. There really isn’t a doubt in my mind about that. I’ve noticed a lot of articles popping up since his death speculating he had an eating disorder which contributed to his death. Perhaps, but I don’t really understand why this is being pushed. Whose agenda are you trying to push here? To prove he died from complications from anorexia, would that somehow put eating disorders into the mainstream eye in a more credible way to get better treatment for those who suffer? I doubt it. Would he help show that men also suffer from eating disorders? Again, I doubt it, but perhaps. Are people trying to find any way to feel relatable to him? Hm?

In the end it doesn’t matter. What matters is nobody could help him, which is always tragic. But in this case, I find it rather infuriating. He was surrounded by enablers and those in his life who did truly care about him were not able to keep him safe from all who put money and status above personal health. 

The two things I read in lieu  of Michael’s death that I appreciated (not sure how I can appreciate something being completely removed from the situation… but still…) was the post Deepak Chopra wrote on The Huffington Post and the short but intense blog Lisa Marie Presley wrote on her myspace. 

He was a real person behind the incredible, incredible hype. A person who was highly sensitive, fantastical, brilliant, and so very damaged.

D.C. geese and gays

Last weekend I went to Washington D.C. to visit my friends and it was fantastical. I’ve never been before, so C. and I packed in an hour or two of tourism sexiness before heading back to her place in Virginia with A. and L. I took an obscene amount of pictures, many of geese and ducks because that’s just who I am, bitch. The rest of the weekend was spent being gay doing gay stuff.

Hahahaha I’m so stupid.

So here are a few a few of the trillion and twenty photos of win.

World War II Monument

I have mad photography skillz. or... it just happened to be pretty out.

what, I like ducks.

what, I like geese.

aw, cute.

we bonded.

you know it.

 

they're a really happy couple.

yay friends!

 

"don't leave meeeee!" oops, I left.

THE END!

Mental P.2

I just got caught up on episodes of Mental. I really like this show. But it made me sad watching… because it made me remember that I LOVE studying and figuring out how people work, what makes us tick, who we are, and why. 

And I am sad because I feel like a failure. I want to go back to school, I want to continue learning with people who are skilled and knowledgeable. I will always read and study on my own but it is so much more beneficial to be able to bounce ideas and theories off of other people. Learning is communicative. I want to go back to school but I’m afraid to throw money away. Money I don’t have. And if I’m borrowing money through loans or especially given money through scholarships… I will feel so so guilty. Because I don’t trust myself to not fuck up. 

Because I don’t really know what it’s like to not be sick. I also don’t know what it’s like to feel like and be treated as if I deserve treatment, to get better, to be stable. I am so good at managing to function, I feel like if I ever did “lose it” everyone would be mad at me for not having better will power. And that makes me angry because the contradiction is so glaringly obvious. Mental illness is NOT a character flaw, but in my experience, everyone I have trusted and gone to for support in times of need has deemed it so, and turned away in disgust at my inability to take care of myself. So I’ll go into hiding for a while until I can come out and attempt to redeem myself, keep my head down and do what I’m supposed to to make everyone else feel comfortable.

I watch Jack Gallagher and I see so much of myself in him. He sees a person in some sort of internal struggle and says, “…interesting…” but is also full of compassion. That’s who I am. I am fascinated by everything, I want to learn and explore and create and connect. I want to make a difference and improve society and save the planet. And I’m completely sincere in those remarks because… why not? What does everyone think will happen if nobody seriously tries to change things? I want to be someone who makes a difference, who tried.

It’s a bit difficult though, when I am constantly flooded with thoughts of self-deprecation, suicide ideology, hatred of my entire physical being, fear of intimacy, and extreme anxiety over upsetting everyone else. 

I know there is power and confidence inside me somewhere. I just don’t think I deserve to have it.